Chasing Fool's Goals

Only Gives You Fool's Gold

I know I heard these words in a song. Don't ask me which one because I have no idea. However, it got me to thinking about what I had been making a priority in my life. And honestly my list of priorities has changed a lot. Even though we aren't supposed to talk about religion in class, one of my professors talks about his all the time and he made us write down the three most important things in our lives. I bet that those lists were different for every single person in that classroom. And I am quite sure that some people only put God, religion or faith as their number one because they felt obligated to. You all know by know what I think about obligation. Well anyway, I think that we all have been chasing a little bit of fool's gold. I go to a youth group and the pastor preached on making God our one goal. And that hit me but I will come back to that a little bit later. Fool's gold looks like the real thing and feel like the real thing but, in the end, is completely worthless. I have been chasing a few goals that I shouldn't and the strange this is that when I thought about it I never thought about these things until AFTER I gave my life back to God. So I have a little list for you:

1.) Recognition
2.) Acceptance
3.) Popularity

Those are my three fool's goals. Things that I really should not be focusing on whatsoever because they aren't going to help me do anything in the long run except maybe stress out a little. And I already have too much stress in my life (all thanks can go to college for that). We all have different goals and you don't have to be Christian to read this blog so your goals are probably a lot different from mine. My goal is to be Christ-like and I can't reach my main goal if I am paying more attention to these stupid little things that don't mean anything. Before, I could be completely ignored by everyone in existence and I wouldn't mind at all and now I get mad if I am not among the first a friend talks to when he or she walks into the room. I mean, what's with that? It makes absolutely no sense! I walk around saying that I want to be Christ-like but when did Jesus ever care how popular He was? He didn't and if He did I am quite sure that He either would have never gone to the cross or would have gotten down off of it because He's boss. He told people the truth about themselves even though He knew that they would hate Him for it. He was ostracized and hated by His own people and I am over here like "Does she think my twist out is on point today?". No. I rebuke that in the name of Jesus because I feel like anything that keeps your eyes off of your main goal is straight from the very pits of hell and I may be alone in that but I'm going to make my views known.



Don't get me wrong, everyone should have tons of goals. I do. I want to go to graduate school, get a job as an editor, get married, have a lot of kids and have a dog with an African name. But notice how these goals are completely different than that other list. Me going to grad school does not take away from my walk with my Father at all, it actually gives me an opportunity to share my walk with other people. Kind of like how I am sharing it with you. The great thing about this is though that I don't have to try and catch up with anybody else in my walk because it is my walk and I am different from any other believer. If I have get to the finish line in a rolling office chair, I'm still going to finish it and that doesn't make me lesser than those running like gazelles or more than those that have to crawl there. I have my goals. Make some of your own (if you don't have many) but don't let those smaller goals get in the way of the one thing you want to do with your life. I did and I am definitely battling with it and I want you to learn from my many, many mistakes.

And if you can find out what song it was that I mentioned at the beginning please let me know!

Fool's Gold by Andy Mineo

I Ain't Scared No Mo'

No Fear

How many times have I heard that? How many times has someone told me that there is no fear in God? And how many times have I felt the intense urge to roll my eyes? These are all good questions. See the thing about living a lifestyle with no fear is this: it's a lot easier to talk about than it is to do. And so when someone talks about it I just stare at them. I know I should but we all struggle with different things and fear was on both sides of my Struggle Bus.

And there are so many songs about it to, a few of which will be linked in BOLD down below, like every other post. And then there are tons of verses and I completely get that it is something that I need to do but as the meme above: the struggle was so very real. The only thing that I should be afraid of isn't a thing at all He is a Person, the Triune God. I should have a righteous fear of Him and be big, bad and bold facing anything else because He's got my back. Just look at Psalm 22, Psalm 27:1, Deuteronomy 31:6, and Isaiah 41:10-13. I have no right to be afraid, but that doesn't always help. Knowing something and doing it are two very different things.

However,

That changed and now, even though I still struggle with fear and doubt and all the things the enemy and the world want to use to keep me low down hurt, I struggle less and less. Maybe it is because I have a better circle of friends. People say that you should have a small circle of friends and I agree but it's not always about how big your circle is but who's in it. If yo struggle with procrastinating and blow off all your work, a fellow procrastinator probably shouldn't be in your circle or at least not in the inner rings because you'll slack off together and you'll hate yourself for it later on. Is it really worth it? Same with some of the more stressful and life-altering temptations like drugs, alcohol, porn. If you are trying to free yourself from these things, how can you when you surround yourself with people who thinks it's acceptable and won't let you get away from it? They'll claim you're acting brand new and this is exactly how you should respond: "I'm acting brand new because He made me brand new." My friend circle has never been large, I have a lot of acquaintances but it takes trust and a lot of it for me to call you my friend. The friends I have now are all on my same path, even if we are on different stages of the race and that has definitely helped me a lot.

Maybe it's because I pray more than I used to. I would always get distracted when I would try to pray or do anything that involved God, really and no lie, I still do sometimes. The difference is that now I catch myself and get back to praying. I pray too, not just before I go to sleep or a quick simple prayer before food. I pray because I want to talk to hear from God. And even though I don't do it as much as I wish I would, I like feeling that close connection with God.

Maybe it's because I finally realized that I'm not a mistake and that if I were to disappear there would be people who noticed. That's what I used to think. At least once or twice a month, but not anymore. I used to be so afraid that I was invisible and that no one cared that sometimes I went out of my way to disappear or out of my way to get noticed. I used to think that because I make mistakes a lot that the world would be a better place if I wasn't here. But, I couldn't just die because then my parents would have to pay for a coffin and whatnot and I would just be even more of a burden. I had a will and everything. I don't think like that anymore though because I know God doesn't make mistakes and that He has a plan for me even if I am completely confused about my life situation. I am not like Seymour, when I ask God what I'm here for He doesn't say He don't know. For that I am eternally grateful, literally.

Maybe it's because I've grown spiritually. I think  I have. I'm not perfect but I am working to make God proud, that's actually my new life goal. Before I do anything questionable I ask myself, "Will God be giving me side eye for doing this?" and you know the rest. I don't just want to know about God I want to know Him and those are two very different things. 

Or just maybe it's a combo of all of the above. Who knows? Not I, but that's life isn't it.

Back To The Point...

Fear.

I cannot lie and tell anybody that I am not afraid of anything because I am but the most important thing is that I own up to it and that I stand up and fight my fear. I fight those things that have held me back and refuse to let them win because that is how the world wins. One of the things I am afraid of is speaking, talking to anyone really. And that is one of the reasons I started this blog, to combat that fear and let people know my story. So from last year to now, I hope you can see growth. I fight my fears, even if it takes a while, how do you fight your fears?

As promised here are two of my favorite songs that talk about fear:

No Fear by Deraj

Fear by Lecrae

Missionary Dating

What is it?

Missionary dating (noun) when you waste your time dating someone because you think you can change them or they claim to want you in his/her life.

Have you ever done some missionary dating? I know I have. I thought that he would just be perfect if he did this and this and this. But truth be told, if he did all that he wouldn't be himself would he? He would be who I created and that's not fair to him or to myself because I'm wasting my time trying to change him plus wasting his time. You can't force someone to change and if he or she wants to change great, but don't expect anything. At first I thought it would be okay because all the changes I wanted him to make would be good for him. Getting a good job, getting a car, talking to his family and moving over past differences. Things that I thought would be good for him. The problem was that they were things that I wanted but they weren't really things he wanted. And sure he started changing but only because he wanted me to stay with him. I didn't notice it but I was holding it over his head like a threat and that's not cool at all.I went to this conference with my friend and it was funny because the speaker said that you should never date someone if you couldn't see yourself being with them for over twenty years exactly the way they were today. And you know what I thought when I heard that? I could NEVER date that person and I was playing with his emotions so the right thing to do would be to let him go. So I did.

The only problem was that he didn't want it to be over but that's another story for another time.



Have you ever done some missionary dating? Was it bad for you? Or have you ever wanted to change just to fit into someone else's plan? Thinking to yourself. "If I looked like this" of "If I do this one thing"? That doesn't work and it only ends up making you and the other person miserable in the end, so why do it? Because humans. Lol. But the great thing about it is that God is a great listener and he can give you everything you ever wanted. So while he is getting you ready for your future husband or wife instead of doing some missionary dating because you feel a little lonely, you can talk to him. He's always there and coming from a female, guys you are 100 times more attractive when you love God and have a good head on your shoulders. Even women who are not Christians are attracted to Christian men, not that I am recommending that for you, because of the glow of the Holy Spirit within and upon you. SO, my point here is that we should all stop missionary dating!

Family Ties

Just to warn you: This post was written while I was enjoying a pity party of one.

It's weird to think about but now that I can actually spend time with family I realize I'm  not  really close to  any of them. I  d?on't have that familial bond. Maybe it's  because it went away or maybe it was never there to begin with. No one can tell when I'm  joking or being sarcastic, no one can tell when I'm  hurting and want a hug. It's  like being surrounded by acquaintances that you wonder if they can actual stand you or not. Have you ever felt like that? Maybe I'm the only one. Maybe it's because  of the  fact that I  don't do the things my cousins do and I'm  too different.  Maybe  that's the  reason why nobody calls or texts or remembers my birthday.

I  remember that when I  was young  it was different. I was never close but I didn't feel the sting as bad either. I  just pretended and in my pretend world I was the one everyone wanted to be around. But now I'm  in the real world and there's no escaping into my own head, at least not for long anyway. There's so much about family love and care and I get that. I go to my family reunion every year and we always have at least 500 people and I know most of them. It's strange but I feel like I get along more with the family I'm not around all the time than the ones I grew up with. Ain't that a mess? But I get that. I always used to tell my friend who has an estranged baby daddy something pretty similar. Her children seem to love their dad more because it's hard to be a bad father when you're never around. It's hard for me to get a chance to dislike them when I only see them once or twice a year. Or do you think I'm just talking out the side of my neck with this one? I might be. Who knows?

Every family has those days where they can't stand each other and we all have that person we would rather not claim. And, at least in Black families, there is that cousin who go around calling everybody "kin folk" loud as all get out, but hey, what can you do? Family is family and even though families argue, fuss, fight and sometimes cut deep, they will always be family. No matter what. And the good thing about family is that families forgive even when you didn't think you could be forgiven and they stand with each other. My brother torments me, has since I was little but I know for a fact that my brother would never let another person hurt me. And so does the machete he keeps on hand. Haha, just kidding.....not really though. The same goes with the rest of my family, I hear stories about my aunt who liked to run her mouth when she was young but couldn't fight to save her life. Luckily, she had my other aunts and my mom who were always there to have her back. 

I guess that's the real reason I am a little upset. I know that my other cousins have this bond. I know that they would ride or die for each other, for my brother. But I feel like if I was sinking nobody would notice until I was at the bottom of the ocean (I do NOT float). So, instead of staying in this little pity party of mine, all by my own I just decided to do something about it. I have a cousin, in particular, that I want to grow close to so I am going to go old fashioned on all of y'all and write him a letter. Hopefully, he gets where I'm coming from. Wish me luck!

And if you are going through the same thing, reach out, it just might make your family your friends.

I wrote this in my last post but here's a link to the song Kamikaze by KB . It's just what I'm feeling right now. Hope you like it. Also here is Family Reunion by the O'Jays.

We All Need A Battle Verse or Song

When you are dealing with what feels like pure hell

Couldn't you use something that lifted your spirits? At lease a little bit? I've been sharing some songs with you guys through these last couple of posts and I'm sure that some of you listen to something when you are all in your emotions. What do you listen to? Something I've been thinking about lately is that I don't just need a song to listen to, I need a verse to recite and take to heart. This is especially true when it comes down to temptaion, don't you think?

What the enemy does is try and pull us back into our old ways. Once we're saved it is a lot harder for him to try and trick us with things we aren't used to or things that didn't tempt us before. But he knows what we used to do and those are the things he brigns back to mind sometimes, especially when you are on the right track. The only time that the devil isn't on your back is when he knows he's already got you so if you're going through something never forget that. There's an old hymn that warns you not to let the devil ride. Don't let him ride in your car (your life) because if you do he's going to want to drive (take over). 

Basically, you don't have to fall back into your old ways just because you don't think you can do it or you think "I'll do it one more time and then won't do it ever again" because that is how the enemy traps you. Any good fisherman or fisherwoman (woot woot) knows that once you have a fish on a hook good, you don't have to work hard to reel it in. Once the hook is in there, you've got that fish. The devil thinks the same way. Once he's got you, he doesn't have to work for it anymore. You've gotten yourself into a predicament and you can't get out of it without a whole lot of work. And this is the important thing: You were already hooked before. That hook is your weakness. So when you may fall into your old ways sometimes you need to just say something that encourages you. What is your battle song? What is your battle verse? One of mine is Isaiah 12:2.

Yaaas Jesus! Continued

So, I bet that some of you are wondering what I was so excited about. Well, I am planning on going to graduate school and that's a process in and of itself. The applications take forever, they took me two months. Plus, they are crazy expensive. I was lucky enough to get the fee waived for a lot of them, but adding up the costs that I couldn't get waived, I paid well over $200 and nobody can afford that! Especially not with the school I'm going to and not on my tiny little salary. And people said everyone in my generation was spoiled. The devil is a lie! I have had to work for everything you got, in my family you had to work for. We learned that ain't nobody in this world gonna give you a handout and so family isn't going to either. I had to use most of my little bank account to pay for these apps and now I have to wait to hear back to see if I have even got accepted.

That's where I'm at right now. Waiting. And I have never had my nerves wracked like this before. These people seem to just be stepping on my tiny little patience. But besides that, I am busy waiting to hear back from the schools and lo and behold. I got accepted to one of them! And I got an interview to another, yaasss Jesus!!! I actually had my interview today and I think it went pretty well but only time will tell. It's in the Lord's hands now. I applied to 8 different schools and I am no taking no for an answer. I don't want to take a year off and I don't want to give up. Not anymore. I even had some doubts today before the interview but my grandpa shared some words of wisdom with me. He told me what his mom always used to tell him: "Ain't nobody better than you and you ain't better than nobody else". I had never thought myself better than anyone else but I have always had a self-efficacy issue. I used to think that I couldn't control anything in my life and that nothing I did could ever make my life better and I've gotten better with this, no doubt, but it is definitely still a problem. Today, all I could think of is what if I stutter and stammer and act a hot mess at this interview? I have never been the best public speaker, but them again I don't have to be do I? I just have to be able to get my point across and that is exactly what I did today. Well, that's what I set out to do at least. And it's better to fail than to not try.

I was excited in my last post because it was like God was cheering me on and he wasn't just on the sidelines, he was running the race right next to me and that is something that I am forever grateful for.

Yaaaas Jesus!

You know how awesome God is? He's pretty darn great. I just experienced something that reaffirms how wonderful God is. I have struggled with doubt for most of my life. Doubting myself, doubting the intentions of others and most importantly, doubting God. It's not like I ever tried to be a pessimistic introvert, but that's just how I've always been. But, I could put on a fake smile and pretend with the best of them. I would be hurting and when people wanted to be my friends I would doubt that they really cared. I thought that they had ulterior motives and that as soon as I told them something personal about me they would tell other people and I'd be a laughingstock. So because I had never let anyone get close to me when I went off to college I didn't go with the intention of ever making friends. I was gonna go, get my degree and leave. Unscathed and with a degree. But that's not what happened and long story short I started hanging out with some people and things got real, real, REAL, bad.


Now, in my last year of college I had some major doubts. God let me go through some things and I was feeling like Job 2.0. I couldn't have felt more lonely than I did. I was in a messed up relationship and I was turning away from God even though I had wanted to get closer to God during college. I was listening to more Christian rap and had stopped watching ignorant stuff that I thought could keep me away from my own salvation. Because of what I was doing to myself, I felt like I could never do anything or be anything. I had always been taught that you were what you did. And if that was true, then I was going to hell in gasoline drawers.

I thought that I was a mistake. I doubted that God really had a plan for me, really cared about me. But something I learned recently is that identity is important. What you do is not who you are and it's not important. What's important is WHOSE YOU ARE. I learned that everyone has an identity and that if you don't know your identity then someone is going to give you one and usually it's one that'll have you jacked up. And because I didn't know who I was I let the world decide who I was gonna be and I hated who I had become. I would go to sleep crying every single day and I felt like nothing was gonna change. I was letting everyone walk over me and I have never been the type to let that happen. No matter how quiet I was, I would never let someone else write the story of my life but I had and it was just another thing that was making me doubt what God's planned for me. I used to think to myself that maybe it would be better if I weren't here. If I just disappeared without a trace. No body means no funeral expenses, right? I had already burdened everyone enough and that would have just been something extra. I was letting my doubts kill my dreams and kill my futures.

My doubts were killing me.

And then, everything started changing. I heard a lot of things from a lot of different people but when someone told me that my past didn't define me, that's when it really hit me that I could change. That I could be different.So I started working towards changing but to God that meant opening a closet full of my mistakes, failures and lies. But opening that closet and cleaning it out was a lot better than letting it get so full that everything just came bursting out one day. That had already happened to me once and I wouldn't want to have another mental break down in the middle of another class. So I went through this program called Deliverance aka Inner Healing aka a life saver. That helped me to face up to my inner demons, literally and figuratively and remind me that I had a purpose. I was meant to be somebody great. Even if I couldn't see that right now. So what I have been forcing myself to do is change my mindset because the Bible says we don't fight a physical fight, we fight a mental and spiritual one. Ephesians 6:12. I had to start doubting my doubts and to tell all of y'all the truth, I am still in the process of changing my mindset. A lot of people have doubts but you should never let your doubts, your mistakes, your past define who you are.

Here's a song by KB-Doubts


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