Yaaaas Jesus!

You know how awesome God is? He's pretty darn great. I just experienced something that reaffirms how wonderful God is. I have struggled with doubt for most of my life. Doubting myself, doubting the intentions of others and most importantly, doubting God. It's not like I ever tried to be a pessimistic introvert, but that's just how I've always been. But, I could put on a fake smile and pretend with the best of them. I would be hurting and when people wanted to be my friends I would doubt that they really cared. I thought that they had ulterior motives and that as soon as I told them something personal about me they would tell other people and I'd be a laughingstock. So because I had never let anyone get close to me when I went off to college I didn't go with the intention of ever making friends. I was gonna go, get my degree and leave. Unscathed and with a degree. But that's not what happened and long story short I started hanging out with some people and things got real, real, REAL, bad.


Now, in my last year of college I had some major doubts. God let me go through some things and I was feeling like Job 2.0. I couldn't have felt more lonely than I did. I was in a messed up relationship and I was turning away from God even though I had wanted to get closer to God during college. I was listening to more Christian rap and had stopped watching ignorant stuff that I thought could keep me away from my own salvation. Because of what I was doing to myself, I felt like I could never do anything or be anything. I had always been taught that you were what you did. And if that was true, then I was going to hell in gasoline drawers.

I thought that I was a mistake. I doubted that God really had a plan for me, really cared about me. But something I learned recently is that identity is important. What you do is not who you are and it's not important. What's important is WHOSE YOU ARE. I learned that everyone has an identity and that if you don't know your identity then someone is going to give you one and usually it's one that'll have you jacked up. And because I didn't know who I was I let the world decide who I was gonna be and I hated who I had become. I would go to sleep crying every single day and I felt like nothing was gonna change. I was letting everyone walk over me and I have never been the type to let that happen. No matter how quiet I was, I would never let someone else write the story of my life but I had and it was just another thing that was making me doubt what God's planned for me. I used to think to myself that maybe it would be better if I weren't here. If I just disappeared without a trace. No body means no funeral expenses, right? I had already burdened everyone enough and that would have just been something extra. I was letting my doubts kill my dreams and kill my futures.

My doubts were killing me.

And then, everything started changing. I heard a lot of things from a lot of different people but when someone told me that my past didn't define me, that's when it really hit me that I could change. That I could be different.So I started working towards changing but to God that meant opening a closet full of my mistakes, failures and lies. But opening that closet and cleaning it out was a lot better than letting it get so full that everything just came bursting out one day. That had already happened to me once and I wouldn't want to have another mental break down in the middle of another class. So I went through this program called Deliverance aka Inner Healing aka a life saver. That helped me to face up to my inner demons, literally and figuratively and remind me that I had a purpose. I was meant to be somebody great. Even if I couldn't see that right now. So what I have been forcing myself to do is change my mindset because the Bible says we don't fight a physical fight, we fight a mental and spiritual one. Ephesians 6:12. I had to start doubting my doubts and to tell all of y'all the truth, I am still in the process of changing my mindset. A lot of people have doubts but you should never let your doubts, your mistakes, your past define who you are.

Here's a song by KB-Doubts


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