No Fear
How many times have I heard that? How many times has someone told me that there is no fear in God? And how many times have I felt the intense urge to roll my eyes? These are all good questions. See the thing about living a lifestyle with no fear is this: it's a lot easier to talk about than it is to do. And so when someone talks about it I just stare at them. I know I should but we all struggle with different things and fear was on both sides of my Struggle Bus.
And there are so many songs about it to, a few of which will be linked in BOLD down below, like every other post. And then there are tons of verses and I completely get that it is something that I need to do but as the meme above: the struggle was so very real. The only thing that I should be afraid of isn't a thing at all He is a Person, the Triune God. I should have a righteous fear of Him and be big, bad and bold facing anything else because He's got my back. Just look at Psalm 22, Psalm 27:1, Deuteronomy 31:6, and Isaiah 41:10-13. I have no right to be afraid, but that doesn't always help. Knowing something and doing it are two very different things.
However,
That changed and now, even though I still struggle with fear and doubt and all the things the enemy and the world want to use to keep me low down hurt, I struggle less and less. Maybe it is because I have a better circle of friends. People say that you should have a small circle of friends and I agree but it's not always about how big your circle is but who's in it. If yo struggle with procrastinating and blow off all your work, a fellow procrastinator probably shouldn't be in your circle or at least not in the inner rings because you'll slack off together and you'll hate yourself for it later on. Is it really worth it? Same with some of the more stressful and life-altering temptations like drugs, alcohol, porn. If you are trying to free yourself from these things, how can you when you surround yourself with people who thinks it's acceptable and won't let you get away from it? They'll claim you're acting brand new and this is exactly how you should respond: "I'm acting brand new because He made me brand new." My friend circle has never been large, I have a lot of acquaintances but it takes trust and a lot of it for me to call you my friend. The friends I have now are all on my same path, even if we are on different stages of the race and that has definitely helped me a lot.
Maybe it's because I pray more than I used to. I would always get distracted when I would try to pray or do anything that involved God, really and no lie, I still do sometimes. The difference is that now I catch myself and get back to praying. I pray too, not just before I go to sleep or a quick simple prayer before food. I pray because I want to talk to hear from God. And even though I don't do it as much as I wish I would, I like feeling that close connection with God.
Maybe it's because I finally realized that I'm not a mistake and that if I were to disappear there would be people who noticed. That's what I used to think. At least once or twice a month, but not anymore. I used to be so afraid that I was invisible and that no one cared that sometimes I went out of my way to disappear or out of my way to get noticed. I used to think that because I make mistakes a lot that the world would be a better place if I wasn't here. But, I couldn't just die because then my parents would have to pay for a coffin and whatnot and I would just be even more of a burden. I had a will and everything. I don't think like that anymore though because I know God doesn't make mistakes and that He has a plan for me even if I am completely confused about my life situation. I am not like Seymour, when I ask God what I'm here for He doesn't say He don't know. For that I am eternally grateful, literally.
Maybe it's because I've grown spiritually. I think I have. I'm not perfect but I am working to make God proud, that's actually my new life goal. Before I do anything questionable I ask myself, "Will God be giving me side eye for doing this?" and you know the rest. I don't just want to know about God I want to know Him and those are two very different things.
Or just maybe it's a combo of all of the above. Who knows? Not I, but that's life isn't it.
Back To The Point...
Fear.
I cannot lie and tell anybody that I am not afraid of anything because I am but the most important thing is that I own up to it and that I stand up and fight my fear. I fight those things that have held me back and refuse to let them win because that is how the world wins. One of the things I am afraid of is speaking, talking to anyone really. And that is one of the reasons I started this blog, to combat that fear and let people know my story. So from last year to now, I hope you can see growth. I fight my fears, even if it takes a while, how do you fight your fears?
As promised here are two of my favorite songs that talk about fear:
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