Family Ties

Just to warn you: This post was written while I was enjoying a pity party of one.

It's weird to think about but now that I can actually spend time with family I realize I'm  not  really close to  any of them. I  d?on't have that familial bond. Maybe it's  because it went away or maybe it was never there to begin with. No one can tell when I'm  joking or being sarcastic, no one can tell when I'm  hurting and want a hug. It's  like being surrounded by acquaintances that you wonder if they can actual stand you or not. Have you ever felt like that? Maybe I'm the only one. Maybe it's because  of the  fact that I  don't do the things my cousins do and I'm  too different.  Maybe  that's the  reason why nobody calls or texts or remembers my birthday.

I  remember that when I  was young  it was different. I was never close but I didn't feel the sting as bad either. I  just pretended and in my pretend world I was the one everyone wanted to be around. But now I'm  in the real world and there's no escaping into my own head, at least not for long anyway. There's so much about family love and care and I get that. I go to my family reunion every year and we always have at least 500 people and I know most of them. It's strange but I feel like I get along more with the family I'm not around all the time than the ones I grew up with. Ain't that a mess? But I get that. I always used to tell my friend who has an estranged baby daddy something pretty similar. Her children seem to love their dad more because it's hard to be a bad father when you're never around. It's hard for me to get a chance to dislike them when I only see them once or twice a year. Or do you think I'm just talking out the side of my neck with this one? I might be. Who knows?

Every family has those days where they can't stand each other and we all have that person we would rather not claim. And, at least in Black families, there is that cousin who go around calling everybody "kin folk" loud as all get out, but hey, what can you do? Family is family and even though families argue, fuss, fight and sometimes cut deep, they will always be family. No matter what. And the good thing about family is that families forgive even when you didn't think you could be forgiven and they stand with each other. My brother torments me, has since I was little but I know for a fact that my brother would never let another person hurt me. And so does the machete he keeps on hand. Haha, just kidding.....not really though. The same goes with the rest of my family, I hear stories about my aunt who liked to run her mouth when she was young but couldn't fight to save her life. Luckily, she had my other aunts and my mom who were always there to have her back. 

I guess that's the real reason I am a little upset. I know that my other cousins have this bond. I know that they would ride or die for each other, for my brother. But I feel like if I was sinking nobody would notice until I was at the bottom of the ocean (I do NOT float). So, instead of staying in this little pity party of mine, all by my own I just decided to do something about it. I have a cousin, in particular, that I want to grow close to so I am going to go old fashioned on all of y'all and write him a letter. Hopefully, he gets where I'm coming from. Wish me luck!

And if you are going through the same thing, reach out, it just might make your family your friends.

I wrote this in my last post but here's a link to the song Kamikaze by KB . It's just what I'm feeling right now. Hope you like it. Also here is Family Reunion by the O'Jays.

We All Need A Battle Verse or Song

When you are dealing with what feels like pure hell

Couldn't you use something that lifted your spirits? At lease a little bit? I've been sharing some songs with you guys through these last couple of posts and I'm sure that some of you listen to something when you are all in your emotions. What do you listen to? Something I've been thinking about lately is that I don't just need a song to listen to, I need a verse to recite and take to heart. This is especially true when it comes down to temptaion, don't you think?

What the enemy does is try and pull us back into our old ways. Once we're saved it is a lot harder for him to try and trick us with things we aren't used to or things that didn't tempt us before. But he knows what we used to do and those are the things he brigns back to mind sometimes, especially when you are on the right track. The only time that the devil isn't on your back is when he knows he's already got you so if you're going through something never forget that. There's an old hymn that warns you not to let the devil ride. Don't let him ride in your car (your life) because if you do he's going to want to drive (take over). 

Basically, you don't have to fall back into your old ways just because you don't think you can do it or you think "I'll do it one more time and then won't do it ever again" because that is how the enemy traps you. Any good fisherman or fisherwoman (woot woot) knows that once you have a fish on a hook good, you don't have to work hard to reel it in. Once the hook is in there, you've got that fish. The devil thinks the same way. Once he's got you, he doesn't have to work for it anymore. You've gotten yourself into a predicament and you can't get out of it without a whole lot of work. And this is the important thing: You were already hooked before. That hook is your weakness. So when you may fall into your old ways sometimes you need to just say something that encourages you. What is your battle song? What is your battle verse? One of mine is Isaiah 12:2.

Yaaas Jesus! Continued

So, I bet that some of you are wondering what I was so excited about. Well, I am planning on going to graduate school and that's a process in and of itself. The applications take forever, they took me two months. Plus, they are crazy expensive. I was lucky enough to get the fee waived for a lot of them, but adding up the costs that I couldn't get waived, I paid well over $200 and nobody can afford that! Especially not with the school I'm going to and not on my tiny little salary. And people said everyone in my generation was spoiled. The devil is a lie! I have had to work for everything you got, in my family you had to work for. We learned that ain't nobody in this world gonna give you a handout and so family isn't going to either. I had to use most of my little bank account to pay for these apps and now I have to wait to hear back to see if I have even got accepted.

That's where I'm at right now. Waiting. And I have never had my nerves wracked like this before. These people seem to just be stepping on my tiny little patience. But besides that, I am busy waiting to hear back from the schools and lo and behold. I got accepted to one of them! And I got an interview to another, yaasss Jesus!!! I actually had my interview today and I think it went pretty well but only time will tell. It's in the Lord's hands now. I applied to 8 different schools and I am no taking no for an answer. I don't want to take a year off and I don't want to give up. Not anymore. I even had some doubts today before the interview but my grandpa shared some words of wisdom with me. He told me what his mom always used to tell him: "Ain't nobody better than you and you ain't better than nobody else". I had never thought myself better than anyone else but I have always had a self-efficacy issue. I used to think that I couldn't control anything in my life and that nothing I did could ever make my life better and I've gotten better with this, no doubt, but it is definitely still a problem. Today, all I could think of is what if I stutter and stammer and act a hot mess at this interview? I have never been the best public speaker, but them again I don't have to be do I? I just have to be able to get my point across and that is exactly what I did today. Well, that's what I set out to do at least. And it's better to fail than to not try.

I was excited in my last post because it was like God was cheering me on and he wasn't just on the sidelines, he was running the race right next to me and that is something that I am forever grateful for.

Yaaaas Jesus!

You know how awesome God is? He's pretty darn great. I just experienced something that reaffirms how wonderful God is. I have struggled with doubt for most of my life. Doubting myself, doubting the intentions of others and most importantly, doubting God. It's not like I ever tried to be a pessimistic introvert, but that's just how I've always been. But, I could put on a fake smile and pretend with the best of them. I would be hurting and when people wanted to be my friends I would doubt that they really cared. I thought that they had ulterior motives and that as soon as I told them something personal about me they would tell other people and I'd be a laughingstock. So because I had never let anyone get close to me when I went off to college I didn't go with the intention of ever making friends. I was gonna go, get my degree and leave. Unscathed and with a degree. But that's not what happened and long story short I started hanging out with some people and things got real, real, REAL, bad.


Now, in my last year of college I had some major doubts. God let me go through some things and I was feeling like Job 2.0. I couldn't have felt more lonely than I did. I was in a messed up relationship and I was turning away from God even though I had wanted to get closer to God during college. I was listening to more Christian rap and had stopped watching ignorant stuff that I thought could keep me away from my own salvation. Because of what I was doing to myself, I felt like I could never do anything or be anything. I had always been taught that you were what you did. And if that was true, then I was going to hell in gasoline drawers.

I thought that I was a mistake. I doubted that God really had a plan for me, really cared about me. But something I learned recently is that identity is important. What you do is not who you are and it's not important. What's important is WHOSE YOU ARE. I learned that everyone has an identity and that if you don't know your identity then someone is going to give you one and usually it's one that'll have you jacked up. And because I didn't know who I was I let the world decide who I was gonna be and I hated who I had become. I would go to sleep crying every single day and I felt like nothing was gonna change. I was letting everyone walk over me and I have never been the type to let that happen. No matter how quiet I was, I would never let someone else write the story of my life but I had and it was just another thing that was making me doubt what God's planned for me. I used to think to myself that maybe it would be better if I weren't here. If I just disappeared without a trace. No body means no funeral expenses, right? I had already burdened everyone enough and that would have just been something extra. I was letting my doubts kill my dreams and kill my futures.

My doubts were killing me.

And then, everything started changing. I heard a lot of things from a lot of different people but when someone told me that my past didn't define me, that's when it really hit me that I could change. That I could be different.So I started working towards changing but to God that meant opening a closet full of my mistakes, failures and lies. But opening that closet and cleaning it out was a lot better than letting it get so full that everything just came bursting out one day. That had already happened to me once and I wouldn't want to have another mental break down in the middle of another class. So I went through this program called Deliverance aka Inner Healing aka a life saver. That helped me to face up to my inner demons, literally and figuratively and remind me that I had a purpose. I was meant to be somebody great. Even if I couldn't see that right now. So what I have been forcing myself to do is change my mindset because the Bible says we don't fight a physical fight, we fight a mental and spiritual one. Ephesians 6:12. I had to start doubting my doubts and to tell all of y'all the truth, I am still in the process of changing my mindset. A lot of people have doubts but you should never let your doubts, your mistakes, your past define who you are.

Here's a song by KB-Doubts


.

How Can You Help Others...

...When you can't help yourself?

I like to think of myself as empathetic and caring and I want to help others. At least most of the time, anyway. If there my friends or not. I mean, some books and movies make me cry. I try to help and listen to what people have to say. I listen more than I talk, I always have. My mom used to say God gave us one mouth and two ears for a reason and I truly believe it. Sometimes though, it feels like I can't even help myself. But even if it takes away from what I am doing for myself I always try to put others first. Once, I ended up staying up past 3 AM just because a friend had some things she wanted to get off of her chest. And there are times when I don't eat because I have friends who need food. People always need what I have more than I need it myself so why not share it.

But, I don't like people asking for things from me. If I don't offer it, don't expect me to give you the shirt off my back in the middle of a lightning storm. Am I wrong for that? Am I wrong for wanting to take care of myself from time to time? Because I do. A lady I met once told me that guilt and obligation are not of God and that people will try to use me for what I have without offering anything in return and that is exactly how I feel about most of the people I call "friend". People ask me to do things for them but sometimes it feels like no one is there when I need support and I've gotten so used to that that when people do want to help, it feels weird. It feels weird when someone asks me to talk about my feelings or a situation I am going through because no one has ever cared before. And then when I don't open up people think it is because there's something wrong with me. I don't think that anything is wrong with me. Am I the only one who feels this way? It's hard to speak when you haven't had a voice for a long time. 

So I decided to stop letting people use me.I'm not Bill Withers, you can't use me 'til you use me up. Not anymore. I'm taking a stand and so should all of you out there who never felt like you had a voice. If you don't have a voice, eventually you begin to lose yourself. I know I did and, more importantly, if you don't know who you are someone is going to tell you and you're going to go along with it because you don't know any different. Someone is going to tell you you're ugly, or fat, or useless and you are going to sop it up like hot water cornbread. How can you help others when you can't even help yourself? Ask yourselves that and think on it for a good ling while. Don't just let people call you out of your name, don't let anyone deride you or make fun of you. Take all those images that got put in your head by someone else and cross them out. Even if you have to do it physically. In fact, that gives me an idea. This is a video that made me see things a lot clearer than I had before. Maybe you should watch it. Imago by Trevor Wentt unlike normal, this isn't a music video. It's a little video about insecurities and I had a whole lot of insecurities. I couldn't list them all off if I tried and I had to take all those things and blot them out.

This quote reminded me a lot of a scripture that made me feel some type of way: Jeremiah 3:1. We only turn to God when we need something. And that's everybody so it mad me see how small my problems were and brought me back down to earth which we all need sometimes. But that is exactly how I feel sometimes. People only talk to me when they want something and I sometimes only talk to God when I have problems. Why am I treating God that way if I hate being treated that way? And He's done more for me than I could ever do for someone else and when it comes down to it, I treat Him like garbage. But, I don't want to live in a pity party forever so I'm going to get off my butt and do something. Are you?

Handling Haters

Sometimes People Look At You Sideways

If you think everyone will like you, you are sadly mistaken. If you think people will always try to understand your perspective, you are wrong. And if you think that you are just not trying hard enough let me be the first to tell you that there is not that much effort in the world. There is no world in which everyone likes you and even those who you call friend sometimes may be your worst enemies. It's just the way it is. People, half the time people you don't even know, will always be ready and willing to say something negative about you. There are no doubts about that but it's okay. Don't stress about it and don't think on it too much because while you're stressing, they're moving on with their lives and probably hurting other people.

When people look sideways, they can't see forward.

All you need to do is smile!

Usually the people who talk about you behind your back are too afraid to ever come out and say something to your face. They will tell others, post it on social media and think that they did something but truth be told, if someone isn't man or woman enough to take a complaint straight to the person then they have no right to spread it around like a cold. And how should you handle these haters you ask? Smile and wave. Unless someone lays a hand on you first there is no need for violence. And just because someone goes around spreading rumors about you doesn't mean you should do the same. Don't return evil for evil it just perpetuates the cycle. And if someone does say something to you and offends you in anyway there are a few options you can take:

1.) Walk away and ignore them

2.) Say, "Keep looking sideways and you'll break your neck" and walk away

3.) Say, "Thanks for the social criticism, I'll keep that in mind" and walk away

Each of these end with you walking away, so I suggest going for the one that takes the least effort. And yes, there are times when you can't walk away, like if you're approached at work or school or something like that. And in those cases, ignoring them makes the problem escalate but you still need to handle it in a positive way. And that way is different for everyone, there's no cheat sheet but don't let anyone put you in a bad mood. Don't give them that power over you.

My mom always says: If someone hates you, you might just be doing something right. Not to say that the only reason people dislike you is because of jealousy or something like that but sometimes people are angry with you because you did what was right when they chose not to and they ended up in the dog house. Nobody's perfect, and this includes you. Some people feel entitled to what they have in life and think that they are above others and the rules of society so those who uphold the rules tend to be disliked by those who don't. But the Bible says that when you love those who hate you what you're really doing is lumping live coals on their heads. Proverbs 25:21-22. Don't be too upset because you may just be in the right.

However, there are times when you can be in the wrong, never forget that. If different people keep telling you the same thing, don't just assume they are hating on you. They may have a point. But if its one person or one person's group of friends, then maybe it's just some hater-ade. And, to paraphrase gospel rapper KB, you're gonna be okay even if they don't okay you.

Here's how KB handles his haters:

How do you handle yours?

All Right

When it's raining outside. 

We all have those bad moments when it just feels like everything that could go wrong does and even the things you thought were right end up horribly wrong, right? Or am I the only one? When you lose your keys or have to pay unforeseen bills and things just don't go right. Well, over the Thanksgiving holiday when I was trying to have a good time with my family before leaving to go back to college exam week. I tried really hard to look on the brighter side of things and it's a struggle for me, admittedly, because I have always been pretty pessimistic.


So, after a late flight and extremely late arrival, I was home at last. But, of course, I was sick. Then, it seemed like things were just getting worse. I felt sick to my stomach, not because of my physical sickness but because of everything that was happening in my life in this little break and all the personal revelations that came in these 5 days. I didn't want to eat anything, things seemed to go from bad to worse. I felt like Jonah right after he had gotten swallowed by the whale but without the guilt that he had. All I could think was that nothing was ever going to get better because it seemed as soon as something good happened to me there were three or four awful things going on, just like it has been for my entire life. And you know what happened next. It started raining and I mean pouring down completely. All Friday long from like 5 in the morning to late that night, like God just wanted to make everyone know how I felt. And let me tell you, I felt awful. So it was literally raining outside and it was all I could do to keep a smile on my face. I didn't have the urge to do anything and I didn't really do any of the homework that I had to do over the weekend which was not good whatsoever.

All of a sudden, two songs got stuck in my head, both of which are linked below. I started singing these songs and I basically started encouraging myself. I kept singing, like it was a mantra, "He's gonna fulfill every promise to you! Don't give up on God, 'cause He won't give up on you!" And that reminded me that no matter how bad it gets....

He'll make it better! 

God has given each and every one of us a purpose, long before people started giving us their opinions. Right? Right. He already had everything planned out and no matter how hard it gets He won't let His children fall. He loves us. So why should I give up on Him and what He's promised the first time a storm comes my way? And even though it seems like a tornado right now, it probably isn't that serious. I'm so caught up in what my situation is that I can't even notice that there are a lot of people worse off than me and people who are dealing with similar issues. I don't want to be that selfish.

God has never forgotten about me and He never will. And when things look drear He will make it alright! He will make it better and sometimes He puts us in those hard situations for the benefit of others. But there are times when God just wants to remind you of who He is and how you should keep your focus on Him. He wants to show you how He remains faithful even when we are less than faithful. Isn't that awesome? 

And as a type of confirmation, I went to church on Sunday before I got on the plane to come back to school and guess what the choir sang? One of those same songs that had been stuck in my head for so long. Just a reaffirmation of what I had been trying to convince myself of. Don't let anyone or anything (including yourself) make you doubt yourself or God. When you're hurting inside He's your shelter and during the worst thunderstorms He's our shelter!

We're already blessed because of His love so please, walk in it.

He'll Make It Alright by Jor'Dan Armstrong

He's Able by Deitrick Haddon