Dating 3

Question: Are you actually ready to date?

One thing that I didn't really touch on too much in the earlier posts in this series is whether or not someone is actually prepared to be in a committed relationship with another person. A whole lot of people think they are just because they want to be in a relationship but that's not right. You may want a lot of things but that doesn't mean you're ready for them. That's something that I, as a Christian, know for a fact. Abraham and Sarah wanted a child and even though they had a promise from God they decided to take it into their own hands because they wanted a child. And because of that generations of hostility were created between the children of brothers Isaac and Ishmael. They wanted a child and guess what? That child they had spent his life hating their other descendants. Short story: just because you want something doesn't mean you need it. 

That being said, below are some questions you should take a look at. Seriously think about the question before you move on to the next one. If you want, answer them on a sheet of paper and post it on a wall somewhere. Whatever makes you clever. I did not create these questions and won't take credit for them but they did make me stop and think. I was like "Woah!" and I realized I was not ready to walk into a relationship and if I got into one, it probably wouldn't have lasted long. 

1. Do I know who I am?
2. Do I know how to communicate?
3. Do I know what boundaries are and how to keep them?
4. Do I have a vision for my own life?
5. Do I have community in my life?
6. What does my walk with Jesus look like?
7. Am I teachable? Can I receive feedback?
8. Am I responsible and do I know how to take care of things?
9. Do I know how to serve?
10. Do I honor people?
11. Do I know how to forgive people and ask for forgiveness?

Answer these questions. Can you honestly answer them in the affirmative? Think about it. Until you can answer all of them you probably aren't ready for a relationship.

These questions are courtesy of Pastor Antoine Ashley from Deland Lighthouse Church.

I have always believed that you can't give another person something you don't have. If you try then you're lying to that person and yourself. We can't try and make people complete us. We need to be complete before we start a relationship. Your significant other should never complete you. They should complement you. And I stand by that wholeheartedly. Another thing is that you should never go into a relationship with less than 100% because it can lead to all kinds of issues. You become somebody's project. And it might hurt to ask yourself this but, are you a renovation? And the thing is, with people a new coat of paint won't do much. You have to be a full renovation. Demolition, asbestos removal, you name it. That is a project you need to undertake by yourself (with God) so that your significant other doesn't waste money, time and effort on a home that ain't worth nothing. And I'm sure none of you want to waste time either, right. So save yourself the hassle, the pain and the arguments by making sure you are whole before you try and find that person who can complement your life completely.

If you do decide to go into a relationship make sure it's a healthy one. 

Blessings,

Chy

Dating Part 2

Hello, there. Fancy seeing you again.

Well, if you haven't already please check out the first part of this post. It's called Dating. If you have, then let's get down to business (to defeat the Huns)! I left you guys with my list of must haves in a significant other as well as my list of attributes in a perfect man. I ended it by giving you the top three things that I believe are essential to any healthy relationship. Basically, neither party should abuse the other, they should have a vision but should have a job in order to support themselves until they achieve said life goal and the other party must be kind towards others because how they treat others is how they will treat you, even if you don't believe it right now.



I promised you a couple more of the essentials in every relationship and here they are:

The other person must be supportive. They should stick by you and support your dreams, encouraging to do your best and do whatever it takes to get there - as long as it's legal. A lifelong relationship can turn ugly real quick when someone decides to stop helping the other person. It can lead to misunderstandings, anger, hurt and hate. If who you are with is not supportive, it's time to move on to better things. There is no reason to stay with someone who cannot support you mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Another thing that comes to mind is strength. Relationships require true strength to make it through all the hard times, the struggle and things of that nature. It's really to be in a relationship when everything is peaches and cream but what about the moment when things just keep going from bad to worse? You have to be able to say that you'll stick through it in the tough and rough times and actually live up to the things you say. When you are dating someone it takes a kind of strength to push you forward to the next step and it takes bravery and heart. I believe that any solid relationship needs to have this type of strength to truly make it.



Lastly, let's talk about what God says regarding relationships. My plan is to talk about beauty, respect, love, forgiveness and mercy and the importance of each of those in a life-long relationship.

Worldly beauty is completely different from godly beauty. Make sure that the person you are with is beautiful in God's eyes not just yours. Worldly beauty makes physical attributes more important than anything else. It becomes more important than personality, brains and talent. God does not see beauty in that way. Over the years I have come to realize that no matter who says I am beautiful or ugly, the only opinion is God's, you should too. The person you are with should be with you and love you because of your godly beauty and vice versa. Godly beauty is about the heart. What does that person value? Are they putting others before themselves? Are they loving, kind, wise and Spirit-filled? These are some of the things that come to the forefront when discussing Godly beauty and if you are currently dating someone, ask yourself these questions in regards to your significant other. See if you like the answers.

Respect is a necessary ingredient in any relationship. Not just respecting as how many people think of it on the surface. It goes deeper than that. In relationships one must respect the other's wishes, opinions, idiosyncrasies and beliefs. This is why it is so important to never go into a relationship with someone who believes differently than you do. Right now it may seem alright but as the relationship gets more serious you'll see how impactful belief systems are to a relationship. Then you come to a point where you are both wanting the other to change. You can't truly respect someone as they are while at the same time wishing they were someone different. TRUTH.

Next, let's talk about love. You would think that would be common sense but guess what? It isn't. Love is not the same as deep like. And I am not talking about that type of love where you're texting the other person and you say it just because you think it's the right thing to sya or because the other person says it first. In fact, if you are put into a situation where someone says they love you and you don't feel the same way, Tell Them! It'll let them know where you are at and make you feel more comfortable. Just because you say you love someone doesn't mean you actually ever will. More importantly, God wants us to love as He Himself loves. You cannot be in a lasting love with someone if you never loved them as the following first: a person, a brother/sister in Christ and a friend. It just doesn't work. Plain and simple. Period. And if you want to argue with me go right ahead, I do not mind whatsoever. In fact, I would love to see some comments, feel free to make them anonymous while you're at it.

Relationships cannot move forward if there is no forgiveness. We see this in the scriptures many time. When we hold on to something it keeps us from moving forward. It weighs it done. If the Almighty Lord has a sea of forgetfulness maybe you should consider getting one. Now, don't be stupid and let the other person run all over you but don't hold things over their head if they've asked your forgiveness. Even if the slap you across the face 77 times (Matthew 8:21-22). I feel like this is pretty simple so let's ease on down to...

....Mercy! Those who have read my blog know that I am a super huge fan of this thing called mercy. And so is God. God is extremely merciful. For those of you that are new here, welcome. Here's the definition of mercy I go by and I think it is the easiest to comprehend: Mercy is withholding something I do deserve out of His love for me. This is how God operates, He shows mercy and His mercy overcomes judgement. It should be the same in relationships, I know that this post is about dating but mercy must be a factor in every relationship in your life from friends to family to coworkers. Plus, it goes hand in hand with forgiveness. Mercy means that instead of inflicting blame or punishment even when someone deserves it ( and Lord knows a lot of people out there do).

That's my list of amazing and wonderful dating advice lol. I am no where near close to a relationship expert but now you have my opinion and can form your own.

Love, Peace, Chicken Grease.
Here's a song that I truly love: That Girl by R-Swift

Dating

Christian Dating

What the heck does that mean? I mean, I have my own values towards dating but I heard this term and was so extra confused. Personally, I don't believe in dating someone I cannot see myself marrying and I REFUSE to date people who aren't Christian, truly Christian. Of course, I have other preferences but those are the two most important criteria on my checklist. Don't assume I am an expert, far from it but I believe that I can shed some light on this subject. How? First, giving my list and even a few things off of my "The Perfect Man" checklist that aren't really requirements but would be nice. Then I am going to outline a few things that I believe to be good in any relationship. Finally, I'll take it to the Bible and see what God says about dating. If this post goes a little long, I'll make it a series. You're forewarned.

My dating criteria:

1. Christian
2. Could be a great husband
3. Responsible and Caring
4. Loves his family
5. Involved in church
6. Has a direction in life
7. Sensible but funny
8. Good steward of money and other material things
9. Sweet
10. Honest, responsible and a good communicator
11. Trustworthy eyes
12. Healthy

My Criteria for the Perfect Man

1. At least 6'2
2. Handsome
3. Either muscular or suitably fit
4. Dark Skinned (I like chocolate lol)
5. Well-paying job
6. Nice teeth
7. Long hair

As you can see, my necessities are longer than my wants and more important. Plus, they're less vain! These are the traits I look for in someone I am considering and I refuse to make any promises if someone asks me on a date. I will gladly get to know anyone but if I get to know you and don't like what I know, it's over. I am not trying to be rude, but I don't like wasting my time or my words. Jesus never said anything unnecessary, so why should I. And if you don't approve, I completely understand. What are some of the things on your list of Man Must-Haves? Or Woman Must-Haves, for that matter?

For Any Relationship...

I think that there are some obvious qualities that are integral in any relationship which is why I did not mention them in the previous lists. One of those being a significant other that is not abusive. This is not just physically, mind you. It is mental and verbal abuse. When someone in your life is making you feel like less than what you felt before, when you are sad and hurt, hoping that things will one day get better even though you know in your heart it won't, that's abuse. Sometimes, we don't even know we are being abused. At first we think the fact that they want to know where we are is them showing concern, not being possessive. Then it progresses to you slowly being cut off from those around you such as friends and family. First, it was just a casual joke when they said you were putting on weight, then you start feeling bad about yourself. You diet and exercise but it's not for you, it's for them so that they'll approve. That, too, is abuse. Some say that no one can impact your self-esteem because it is self-esteem but I know that is wrong and very much so. After a while what you hear gets in your head, you internalize it and all of a sudden there is no escape. People can change your mindset, make sure you are around those who will impact it positively.

Another quality is to be someone with a practical vision and means to get there. Dreams are great, I am not knocking them but while you are on your way to becoming a famous actor or musician, have another means of income to support yourself. There should be no such thing as a struggling artist. The person you are with should be able to support themselves. If they can't, how can you expect them to support you? Not just financially, but emotionally as well. Their mind will most likely be filled with thoughts of what they will do to make ends meet the next day and other issues. They will be emotionally unavailable for the long term even if they seem like a great candidate up front.

Thirdly, make sure you know how your potential significant other acts towards others. You can tell a lot from watching someone interact with others. How do they treat their parents? Friends? Enemies? Those they see in the street? The people they work with and go to church with? When they see something unpleasant how do they respond? One thing I suggest is that you never allow yourself to open up to someone who does not respect others because they'll show you the same disrespect, maybe not at first but later on. Don't be blinded by rose colored glasses. If you see your potential mate doing something you do not like to see others do don't think that it is just a coincidence or that you can change. People only change when they wish to, that is a fact of life and be mindful of it.

Those are my top three tips, I have a few more but while I write the next post tell me what you think about dating, any ideas can help my other readers so please share.

Here's A Song: Love Never Leaves by Tedashii