Forgiving Myself

The Bible says to forgive people. I've talked about it, those who have read a few of my posts know all the mess I have lived through and conquered. I seem to be able to forgive everyone, except myself. We all go through it, and if not let me live with my delusion. I've gone through some hard times but I was brought up to have tough skin, even if was not on purpose. Times got hard, things got rough, you got shoved and tossed around and sometimes you did the shoving but not often. In fact, rarely and it made you feel awful. You get played like a fool almost everyday of your life and people keep telling you to forgive and forget. And then they want to say to treat others as you want to be treated well, here is where I talk about my common experiences with those two maxims.

Forgive and forget is ridiculous. It is important, nay imperative, to forgive others especially if you want to be forgiven however forgetting is stupid. Why? Because if you forget how you were hurt, misled or deceived in the past you cannot use that new knowledge to guide you through your future. In fact, you'll just keep making the same mistakes over and over again, expecting to get a new outcome and we all know that that's the definition of insanity, right? So, I am all for forgiving those who do you wrong from the person that shoves you on Black Friday to the person who mugs you or abuses you (in any way). We need to forgive others not for them but for ourselves. How can we expect to be forgiven if we do not forgive? Plus, we've been forgiven and we should show the same courtesy. But forgetting is a trap that will lead you into a downward spiral and you'll wonder why the same things keep happening, why you keep getting hurt and it is, in part, your fault because you did not guard your heart like the Bible tells us to.(Proverbs 4:23)

And on to the next thing, The Golden Rule. We are told again and again to treat others as you wish to be treated. I do not disagree with this sentiment and it shows up time and time again in our guidebook for life. (Matthew 7:12) We must treat others with respect, kindness and love no matter what. All I am trying to say is that no matter how often I do this to those who wish me harm, it never works out well. Actually, let me stop lying, it doesn't usually work out well which is why I have developed such a tough elephant skin, I guess. I have been hurt repeatedly, I have felt sorrow and there are times when I feel as though God has picked me out specifically for trials and tribulations. People usually take kindness for weakness and that is not okay. Everyone has a different way to deal with this, some put up with it and some strike back. I try to put up with it and not let it get me down because in the back of my mind I know that that person will get whatever is coming to him. Recently, I've been studying 1 Peter and in chapter 4 it states that a believer will barely pass judgement and so I am trying to do everything I can to make my Father proud of me and sometimes that means bearing with it when the punches come. It also means that I have to stop being petty and passive aggressive, two things I became very good at while I was in the world.



Now going back to forgiveness. I have done things I am not proud of. I have been on the receiving end of these things too and I have the tendency to blame myself for whatever befalls me. No matter what happens, it has always been my fault. Even if I'm a thousand miles away from the situation, if it happens to someone I know it's because I didn't talk to them enough or love them enough or try and guide them to Christ as I should have. Now that I think about it, it's like I am trying to make everything about me. I have never thought of it in that way before but I can see things in front of myself, unlike many. I truly admire the quote above. I have always been at war with myself. Sometimes I feel like there are two versions of me, the one I show and the one I keep locked away, the real me. But in all honesty, they are both me whether I like it or not and instead of fighting myself and feeling awful all of the time I have to learn to put my mistakes in the past where they belong and keep it moving.

Don't get it twisted, this does not mean I lock my past into a closet and bolt the door hoping that nothing will slip out and rear it's ugly head. But I did do that in the past. It means understanding that there is a closet, looking into it, no matter how afraid you are of what you might find and dealing with every single issue one at a time. Heartache, pain, lies, guilt, regret, anger. Every single negative thought that has kept me up or dragged me down to a place I didn't want to be. By locking that closet I was living in fear, I was afraid that someone would bring up something or that I would look at the bolted door one day and find it open, like in some horror film. Now, those things aren't in that closet and after dealing with them, they've all but gone away. I am not going to say that my problems disappeared in a cloud of smoke but they did shrink to a manageable size and that's a blessing in and of itself. They aren't hanging over my head, filling me with dread. And the only reason they still exist is because they happened. They do not have control of me because I have realized that I have been forgiven for all the lies I've told and every wrong thing I have ever done. Isn't that cool :D? Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know that forgiveness isn't a one time thing. It's a process and just as you will have to continuusly forgive those that have wronged you, you'll have to forgive yourself because you will mess up from time to time. No one is perfect and we must be able to live with ourselves in that and try our hardest to mimic our Messiah who is perfect. This means there will be sufferings but those are just signs of blessings to come, never forget that.

God loves you! If you ask He will guide you so that you can be saved from your own self-loathing. Or whatever you are dealing with. What good parent would want to see their child suffer? None. And the same is true with the Lord. So please take just one minute and ask God for the strength to forgive yourself. Cling to Him and He'll respond in turn.

The song for today is :Forgive You Much by Deraj

Be blessed!