I have been going through some inner turmoil lately. I haven't been able to sleep and it seemed that life was just not gonna go well. I don't know how many others have felt the same kind of thing going on but...anyway, like I said I haven't been sleeping because of everything and the burden I felt. So I wrote about it in my journal. This isn't like a diary journal, it's where I keep my notes from Bible studies, sermons, anything that has to do with the God I serve. Mind you this is at like 5 AM. I cannot begin to describe the emotion I felt so I am just going to literally type my journal entry in the way I wrote it below. There will be no pictures, no songs, no cute quotes or anecdotes to help explain. I just want people to understand where I come from on the daily and see where you come from as well. Just so you know there's a difference from being in a pity party and venting your frustrations. Here I am doing the latter, it was actually my first time writing about my rings ever. Go ahead, think I'm pathetic if you must but know this: I woke up this morning after writing down my feelings feeling better than I had in a very long time. I felt as though God loved me and feeling it is a lot different from knowing it. This is going to be long so sit tight and enjoy the ride.
So, it's a little after 5 in the morning and I'm sitting writing this because for the past few days sleep has eluded me and I decided to make myself useful. When I was at Stetson, I noticed that my rings were gone. I, stupidly, thought that I had misplaced them and that they would eventually show up. I don't know why- whenever I wore them I ALWAYS put them neatly back. They never showed up. Now here at Penn I'm fully realizing my stupidity. I didn't notice they were gone earlier because I hardly ever wore them. I actually don't know what happened to them, seeing as the boxes are still in tact someone must have stolen them. Was it J when he stole my tablet or S? Did she pick her way into my room as she had shown me before, back when we were on good terms? Honestly, I don't know. I have no idea and while I hat not knowing what I hate more is my own stupidity. Am I too gullible, too trusting, too desperate to be liked and cared for that I can't see a person's true nature? And where is God in all this? I think it's a valid question. I know I can't be mad at Him, it was me who put me in this situation but why hasn't He spoken on this yet? Or has He and I, still being ignorant of the different ways He speaks, ignored it? Did I mishear? Sometimes I just want to be like "Are you there God? It's me." But even before I went to bed tonight I thought about God and thanked Him for getting me out of some awful times.
And it's not like I'm attached to the rings themselves (just like with the tablet). It's more like the ties and the stories. The rings in question are the black and white diamond ring Mom got me and the ruby ring Louise bought. They left the blue one so they must've thought it wasn't valuable. Anyway, I feel like I've let so many people down before. I feel like I let my parents down, my friends down. I feel like I let myself down. And worst of all, I have this constant feeling as though I let God down. I know shame isn't of God but I wouldn't call this feeling shame. I'd call it more of a disappointment. As I write this I'm crying because I'm so tired of letting people down. Just imagining the look in my mother's eyes if she were to ever find out breaks my heart open. I feel like I have never once truly made her proud of me, not like she's proud of C. I try so hard to be a good person, to be godly as well as earthly good but it's like I lack any real sense of humanity, of human emotion. I'm in grad school. Why? It's not like I think it's necessary for living but here I am racking up another set of student debt to add more letters to the end of my name. Where is God in that?
I feel like now that I'm here He's going to use me for His glory but I feel like I'm just going to disappoint, like I do in every other facet of my life. I mean, does anyone else know what it feels like to be a walking mass of disappointment and regret? I know I shouldn't dwell on the past, God has even reminded me of it recently but I'm only human and it's harder than it sounds. God, where are you? Are you still leading me? How long will you leave me blindfolded? God please help me. Please. The Old Lady bought me that ruby ring. It's my birthstone and it was a beautiful ring. She got it because everyone in my family has a ring with their birthstone. It made me happy to feel a part of the family, especially from the side that treated me like a pariah growing up. Old Lady, my grandmother, it's not like she's rich. My grandfather is sickly and thousands upon thousands go to his health every year and still she saved and bought me that ring. And now it's gone. And I, being the idiot I'm known to be, am once again standing with my mouth open wide like Boo Boo the Fool.
That leads me back to the question I had when I started writing this. Am I gullible? Too trusting? I instinctively believe that people, at least those around me, are trustworthy when over and over I've been proven wrong. Maybe I'm insane. Is there a cure for being too trusting? The Bible talks about forgiveness but it never says to become a fool and yet here I am, the embodiment of foolish naivete and gullibility. Those same traits which led me to becoming a statistic and still I can't throw them off. I can't get rid of them.
Lord, take this cup from me!
God please get rid of this thorn in my side, the idiocy that seems an inherent part of my nature which has only ever brought pain into my life. I think I know what Jesus felt like when He exclaimed, "Eli Eli lama sabacthani?!" Lord, why have you allowed this to happen? Why have You allowed me to remain this way? As far as I can see, there are no benefits, no nothing. Please give this burden to another, someone stronger, who can bear it. I don't think I can carry this load anymore. It's weighing on me so heavy that I have to crawl down the path I'm on trying to finish this race. I guess it goes hand in hand though, with a sermon I heard recently. The preacher said it's not about going for gold, silver or even bronze, it's about crossing the finish line. Well God, I can't even see the finish line. It must be somewhere after the mountains, valleys, deserts and other things You've set before me but I'm still on that road God. But please Lord, please answer my questions today. Please God, tell me why You've given me this burden even if You find it best for me to keep it. What good can it do? Aren't I made low enough already?
Unlike Paul I have no reason to boast if I wanted to. I've never been good at anything, didn't come from a prominent family. In fact, I feel like at best I'm mediocre and yet I feel as though You keep knocking me down the rungs of the ladder before I even have a firm hold on the one above me. God I know You're there, I know You care and I know You're listening. I'm just asking for a few moments of Your time. Just spare a second and let me hear Your voice. I'm not asking for a talking donkey, just something clear, something I'll understand. I need a Word from You Lord and I don't know how to get it unless You provide it for me. God, why can't I do anything right? Why am I so pitiful? Lord, I am sick of being a disappointment but before I realize it here I am again staring at a mirror and seeing plain stupidity. What more can I say besides what's already been said? Lord, please please please.
I know You're there, I know You hear me. This poor man is crying Lord so deliver me out of all my troubles! Actually, you don't even have to deliver me from all of them, just this one. I'd be sated with just a little helping of a blessing. I don't need a Canaan or a Red Sea parted. I know its in Your power the question is whether or not its in Your will. But either way Lord, I'm laying my heart, bare and broken, to You.
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