Forgiving Myself

The Bible says to forgive people. I've talked about it, those who have read a few of my posts know all the mess I have lived through and conquered. I seem to be able to forgive everyone, except myself. We all go through it, and if not let me live with my delusion. I've gone through some hard times but I was brought up to have tough skin, even if was not on purpose. Times got hard, things got rough, you got shoved and tossed around and sometimes you did the shoving but not often. In fact, rarely and it made you feel awful. You get played like a fool almost everyday of your life and people keep telling you to forgive and forget. And then they want to say to treat others as you want to be treated well, here is where I talk about my common experiences with those two maxims.

Forgive and forget is ridiculous. It is important, nay imperative, to forgive others especially if you want to be forgiven however forgetting is stupid. Why? Because if you forget how you were hurt, misled or deceived in the past you cannot use that new knowledge to guide you through your future. In fact, you'll just keep making the same mistakes over and over again, expecting to get a new outcome and we all know that that's the definition of insanity, right? So, I am all for forgiving those who do you wrong from the person that shoves you on Black Friday to the person who mugs you or abuses you (in any way). We need to forgive others not for them but for ourselves. How can we expect to be forgiven if we do not forgive? Plus, we've been forgiven and we should show the same courtesy. But forgetting is a trap that will lead you into a downward spiral and you'll wonder why the same things keep happening, why you keep getting hurt and it is, in part, your fault because you did not guard your heart like the Bible tells us to.(Proverbs 4:23)

And on to the next thing, The Golden Rule. We are told again and again to treat others as you wish to be treated. I do not disagree with this sentiment and it shows up time and time again in our guidebook for life. (Matthew 7:12) We must treat others with respect, kindness and love no matter what. All I am trying to say is that no matter how often I do this to those who wish me harm, it never works out well. Actually, let me stop lying, it doesn't usually work out well which is why I have developed such a tough elephant skin, I guess. I have been hurt repeatedly, I have felt sorrow and there are times when I feel as though God has picked me out specifically for trials and tribulations. People usually take kindness for weakness and that is not okay. Everyone has a different way to deal with this, some put up with it and some strike back. I try to put up with it and not let it get me down because in the back of my mind I know that that person will get whatever is coming to him. Recently, I've been studying 1 Peter and in chapter 4 it states that a believer will barely pass judgement and so I am trying to do everything I can to make my Father proud of me and sometimes that means bearing with it when the punches come. It also means that I have to stop being petty and passive aggressive, two things I became very good at while I was in the world.



Now going back to forgiveness. I have done things I am not proud of. I have been on the receiving end of these things too and I have the tendency to blame myself for whatever befalls me. No matter what happens, it has always been my fault. Even if I'm a thousand miles away from the situation, if it happens to someone I know it's because I didn't talk to them enough or love them enough or try and guide them to Christ as I should have. Now that I think about it, it's like I am trying to make everything about me. I have never thought of it in that way before but I can see things in front of myself, unlike many. I truly admire the quote above. I have always been at war with myself. Sometimes I feel like there are two versions of me, the one I show and the one I keep locked away, the real me. But in all honesty, they are both me whether I like it or not and instead of fighting myself and feeling awful all of the time I have to learn to put my mistakes in the past where they belong and keep it moving.

Don't get it twisted, this does not mean I lock my past into a closet and bolt the door hoping that nothing will slip out and rear it's ugly head. But I did do that in the past. It means understanding that there is a closet, looking into it, no matter how afraid you are of what you might find and dealing with every single issue one at a time. Heartache, pain, lies, guilt, regret, anger. Every single negative thought that has kept me up or dragged me down to a place I didn't want to be. By locking that closet I was living in fear, I was afraid that someone would bring up something or that I would look at the bolted door one day and find it open, like in some horror film. Now, those things aren't in that closet and after dealing with them, they've all but gone away. I am not going to say that my problems disappeared in a cloud of smoke but they did shrink to a manageable size and that's a blessing in and of itself. They aren't hanging over my head, filling me with dread. And the only reason they still exist is because they happened. They do not have control of me because I have realized that I have been forgiven for all the lies I've told and every wrong thing I have ever done. Isn't that cool :D? Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know that forgiveness isn't a one time thing. It's a process and just as you will have to continuusly forgive those that have wronged you, you'll have to forgive yourself because you will mess up from time to time. No one is perfect and we must be able to live with ourselves in that and try our hardest to mimic our Messiah who is perfect. This means there will be sufferings but those are just signs of blessings to come, never forget that.

God loves you! If you ask He will guide you so that you can be saved from your own self-loathing. Or whatever you are dealing with. What good parent would want to see their child suffer? None. And the same is true with the Lord. So please take just one minute and ask God for the strength to forgive yourself. Cling to Him and He'll respond in turn.

The song for today is :Forgive You Much by Deraj

Be blessed!

Imago Dei

When I look in the mirror what do I see?

First of all, I just got used to looking in the mirror. But that's just me and my personal battle, that I've overcome. Jonathan McReynolds has a song called Lovin' Me. One of the lines says "when I look in the mirror and don't like what I see, You keep lovin' me". Isn't that powerful? Sometimes I don't like what I see in the mirror. It can be that I just look a hot mess or that I have done something I am not proud of and see the shame and regret on my face. The Bible discusses abiding in Christ as He abides in you. (John 15:4-7) We are His temple, correct? Yet God cannot live in an unholy place so is it time to do some spring cleaning in your temple? I am not throwing shade, I just want to pose a question to those who read this blog. Imago Dei, the image of God. Let's go back to the beginning: Genesis 1:26-27.

"And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. (27) So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them."

This comes from the King James Version because I'm old school like that. For any confusion that might ensue, when it says "our" it is God talking to himself and since He is triune  (three in one) it is plural not singular. God created man in his own image. Therefore we should look like God. When we stare at the mirror brushing our teeth, doing our hair, putting in contacts, we should not only see ourselves but see Him in the reflection. Remember Mulan? Well, when will your reflection show who you have inside? What I love about the term "Imago Dei" is that it means that no matter what we look like on the outside we should all look like Him on the inside. There is no set group of people that look more like God than any other. It's only equality in Jesus Christ and if anyone tells you different you need to quote Jesus and say "Get thee behind me Satan!" We all look like God, which goes back to my old post about diversity in the Kingdom. I feel like that is an encouragement that you should take with you and if it helps, repeat it on the daily. Remember who He made you to be. He loved you so much that He made you, specifically, to look like Him. 

Personally, I see me but do I see Him within me? Not always. And that is not good at all. Because I can't be holy sometimes. Hate cannot live in the same place as love. As I said, God cannot abide in someone who is living in sin. Before I go on let me clarify something, living in sin means continuing to sin with no remorse. It does not mean slipping every now and again. We are all human, we all sin sometimes. Anyway, God cannot live in those who live in sin and so we have to clean our house like Isaac Carree. So I need all of you to declare:

I can't focus on the past and all my shortcomings in it, I have to move on and look to the future!

Moving Forward- Israel Houghton

How can we, as Christ-followers work to see Him in our reflection?

This is not an easy question to answer and if you have any suggestions feel free to comment below! I have been praying and asking God how I can make sure that He is proud of me and the answer came to me in a short sermon by Tony Evans in his "Watch Your Mouth" series. I was watching part 3 of the series this morning and it was like God opened up the clouds and a ray of sunshine fell on me. He said that our words and thoughts can either make God happy or it can frustrate Him. The Israelites complained because they didn't get what they wanted although they had what they needed. Ouch! I will be the first to say that sometimes I complain because things don't go exactly the way I want them to, forgetting to be grateful for the things I have. Clothes, a home, food, and a relationship with God. Psalm 19:14 is a scripture we are all familiar with.

But maybe it's time to stop repeating and praying this scripture mindlessly and truly believe in the things you are saying. Pray for it earnestly. Ask God to change your heart so that your words and your thoughts reflect Him! Instead of using your words to harm others or yourself, use them to encourage others. Our speech reflects the state of out hearts (Matther 12:35-37). God is going to bring every single idle or hurtful word to our remembrance when we pass away. He is going to play back everything we have ever said, will it make Him proud? Do you believe that your words will make Him proud to call you His child? I know it's hard, it is something I will have to work on but this is one way I think I can reflect God when I look in the mirror. What do you think?

Well Done by Deitrick Haddon

On Civil Disobedience

So lately, there has been an uproar in regards to people refusing to be a part of the national anthem of the USA. Some people say it's unpatriotic while others are claiming "It's about time!". Either way it goes, people are now being forced to take notice. With everything going on in politics, with Caucasians wearing blackface and claiming to be n----s, the US is at a critical point in its history. Either there will be a revolution or the media will beat down the freedom that comes with Constitutional rights as it has done innumerable times in the past. What do you believe will happen? In the 60s people were either on the side of Martin Luther King Jr. or Malcolm X. And the Black Panthers were demonized. However, most do not know that the Black Panthers never hurt anyone who did not threaten or abuse them first. In fact, the offered jobs for women, provided food and schooling for the poor and did a lot more for the benefit of the community, but I digress. Dr. King Jr. believed in civil disobedience, in making use of the rights that were deemed "inalienable" in one of the founding documents and yet him and those who agreed with him were seriously abused because of it. Are not people just doing the same thing in 2016? I shouldn't have to sing a song that I do not agree with. I have the right to take a stand against injustice, or do I only have that right when it does not show the dark side of this country's ingrained values and twisted belief system. If you think I am over exaggerating, there was a young man who killed an elderly Black woman and he only got 60 days in jail with no parole. Yet a Black woman who does not harm anyone, who had been abused in the past got sentenced to 20 years for shooting a gun in her own home.

So what about civil disobedience? It is when we decide that we can no longer stand for the injustice of the justice system and the prejudices of African Americans. And this is not just about African Americans, it is about all of those groups claimed to be "minorities". Black people have been doing this for a very long time, it is only coming to the forefront now that stars are doing it. I never said the pledge of allegiance and I don't even know the words to our national anthem, but I can play it on my flute :). What do you do when you don't believe in something, how can you pretend you do just so that it can look good and make other people happy?

The country has a lot of strongholds that need to come down. Prejudice is one of them. It keeps "minorities" (anyone who is not Caucasian) down. Historically, this has been seen over and over again. People should take a stand, they should make their voices heard because it is about time. We should not let pressure from the rich and privileged force us down back into the positions they deem us worthy to have. This goes for all diverse people. Open your eyes and look at the world in front of you. We are taught that America is the greatest country in the world and yet. We are taught that to live anywhere else would be awful, that everything is perfect in America but the truth of the matter is that it is not, the biases are just a lot more secretive.

We have chains that need to be broken, and although they cannot be seen as in the past they are ever present. Just because there are a few minority "superstars" does not mean the country is past discrimination. And because we have strongholds to tear down I can think of a few ways to do it. Stand for what you believe in and praise God in the midst of the situation, using your words to bring Him glory and honor and giving Him thanks for what He is going to do. Change will happen and we cannot do it on our own but with God on our side who can stand against us? Jeremiah marched and praised seven times and the walls fell. Paul and Silas praised and the chains broke and the doors opened. We have power but are taught not to think about it. We are taught to be comfortable in our horrid situations because "it could always be worse" but guess what? It can also be a whole lot better. But we can not continue sitting on our do-nothings and complaining all day. It's time to form a united front and take action. Don't let yourself be bullied into a corner, going along with something you don't believe is right because you aren't qualified or think someone who is a better speaker is going to come along and wow the world. It's cheesy and played out but that doesn't make it any less true:

If not now, when? If not you, who?

Till the Walls Fall by Martha Munizzi

Let's Get Deep

Hey everyone,

I have been going through some inner turmoil lately. I haven't been able to sleep and it seemed that life was just not gonna go well. I don't know how many others have felt the same kind of thing going on but...anyway, like I said I haven't been sleeping because of everything and the burden I felt. So I wrote about it in my journal. This isn't like a diary journal, it's where I keep my notes from Bible studies, sermons, anything that has to do with the God I serve. Mind you this is at like 5 AM. I cannot begin to describe the emotion I felt so I am just going to literally type my journal entry in the way I wrote it below. There will be no pictures, no songs, no cute quotes or anecdotes to help explain. I just want people to understand where I come from on the daily and see where you come from as well. Just so you know there's a difference from being in a pity party and venting your frustrations. Here I am doing the latter, it was actually my first time writing about my rings ever. Go ahead, think I'm pathetic if you must but know this: I woke up this morning after writing down my feelings feeling better than I had in a very long time. I felt as though God loved me and feeling it is a lot different from knowing it. This is going to be long so sit tight and enjoy the ride. 

So, it's a little after 5 in the morning and I'm sitting writing this because for the past few days sleep has eluded me and I decided to make myself useful. When I was at Stetson, I noticed that my rings were gone. I, stupidly, thought that I had misplaced them and that they would eventually show up. I don't know why- whenever I wore them I ALWAYS put them neatly back. They never showed up. Now here at Penn I'm fully realizing my stupidity. I didn't notice they were gone earlier because I hardly ever wore them. I actually don't know what happened to them, seeing as the boxes are still in tact someone must have stolen them. Was it J when he stole my tablet or S? Did she pick her way into my room as she had shown me before, back when we were on good terms? Honestly, I don't know. I have no idea and while I hat not knowing what I hate more is my own stupidity. Am I too gullible, too trusting, too desperate to be liked and cared for that I can't see a person's true nature? And where is God in all this? I think it's a valid question. I know I can't be mad at Him, it was me who put me in this situation but why hasn't He spoken on this yet? Or has He and I, still being ignorant of the different ways He speaks, ignored it? Did I mishear? Sometimes I just want to be like "Are you there God? It's me." But even before I went to bed tonight I thought about God and thanked Him for getting me out of some awful times.

And it's not like I'm attached to the rings themselves (just like with the tablet). It's more like the ties and the stories. The rings in question are the black and white diamond ring Mom got me and the ruby ring Louise bought. They left the blue one so they must've thought it wasn't valuable. Anyway, I feel like I've let so many people down before. I feel like I let my parents down, my friends down. I feel like I let myself down. And worst of all, I have this constant feeling as though I let God down. I know shame isn't of God but I wouldn't call this feeling shame. I'd call it more of a disappointment. As I write this I'm crying because I'm so tired of letting people down. Just imagining the look in my mother's eyes if she were to ever find out breaks my heart open. I feel like I have never once truly made her proud of me, not like she's proud of C. I try so hard to be a good person, to be godly as well as earthly good but it's like I lack any real sense of humanity, of human emotion. I'm in grad school. Why? It's not like I think it's necessary for living but here I am racking up another set of student debt to add more letters to the end of my name. Where is God in that?

I feel like now that I'm here He's going to use me for His glory but I feel like I'm just going to disappoint, like I do in every other facet of my life. I mean, does anyone else know what it feels like to be a walking mass of disappointment and regret? I know I shouldn't dwell on the past, God has even reminded me of it recently but I'm only human and it's harder than it sounds. God, where are you? Are you still leading me? How long will you leave me blindfolded? God please help me. Please. The Old Lady bought me that ruby ring. It's my birthstone and it was a beautiful ring. She got it because everyone in my family has a ring with their birthstone. It made me happy to feel a part of the family, especially from the side that treated me like a pariah growing up. Old Lady, my grandmother, it's not like she's rich. My grandfather is sickly and thousands upon thousands go to his health every year and still she saved and bought me that ring. And now it's gone. And I, being the idiot I'm known to be, am once again standing with my mouth open wide like Boo Boo the Fool.

That leads me back to the question I had when I started writing this. Am I gullible? Too trusting? I instinctively believe that people, at least those around me, are trustworthy when over and over I've been proven wrong. Maybe I'm insane. Is there a cure for being too trusting? The Bible talks about forgiveness but it never says to become a fool and yet here I am, the embodiment of foolish naivete and gullibility. Those same traits which led me to becoming a statistic and still I can't throw them off. I can't get rid of them.

Lord, take this cup from me!

God please get rid of this thorn in my side, the idiocy that seems an inherent part of my nature which has only ever brought pain into my life. I think I know what Jesus felt like when He exclaimed, "Eli Eli lama sabacthani?!" Lord, why have you allowed this to happen? Why have You allowed me to remain this way? As far as I can see, there are no benefits, no nothing. Please give this burden to another, someone stronger, who can bear it. I don't think I can carry this load anymore. It's weighing on me so heavy that I have to crawl down the path I'm on trying to finish this race. I guess it goes hand in hand though, with a sermon I heard recently. The preacher said it's not about going for gold, silver or even bronze, it's about crossing the finish line. Well God, I can't even see the finish line. It must be somewhere after the mountains, valleys, deserts and other things You've set before me but I'm still on that road God. But please Lord, please answer my questions today. Please God, tell me why You've given me this burden even if You find it best for me to keep it. What good can it do? Aren't I made low enough already?

Unlike Paul I have no reason to boast if I wanted to. I've never been good at anything, didn't come from a prominent family. In fact, I feel like at best I'm mediocre and yet I feel as though You keep knocking me down the rungs of the ladder before I even have a firm hold on the one above me. God I know You're there, I know You care and I know You're listening. I'm just asking for a few moments of Your time. Just spare a second and let me hear Your voice. I'm not asking for a talking donkey, just something clear, something I'll understand. I need a Word from You Lord and I don't know how to get it unless You provide it for me. God, why can't I do anything right? Why am I so pitiful? Lord, I am sick of being a disappointment but before I realize it here I am again staring at a mirror and seeing plain stupidity. What more can I say besides what's already been said? Lord, please please please. 

I know You're there, I know You hear me. This poor man is crying Lord so deliver me out of all my troubles! Actually, you don't even have to deliver me from all of them, just this one. I'd be sated with just a little helping of a blessing. I don't need a Canaan or a Red Sea parted. I know its in Your power the question is whether or not its in Your will. But either way Lord, I'm laying my heart, bare and broken, to You.

Dating 3

Question: Are you actually ready to date?

One thing that I didn't really touch on too much in the earlier posts in this series is whether or not someone is actually prepared to be in a committed relationship with another person. A whole lot of people think they are just because they want to be in a relationship but that's not right. You may want a lot of things but that doesn't mean you're ready for them. That's something that I, as a Christian, know for a fact. Abraham and Sarah wanted a child and even though they had a promise from God they decided to take it into their own hands because they wanted a child. And because of that generations of hostility were created between the children of brothers Isaac and Ishmael. They wanted a child and guess what? That child they had spent his life hating their other descendants. Short story: just because you want something doesn't mean you need it. 

That being said, below are some questions you should take a look at. Seriously think about the question before you move on to the next one. If you want, answer them on a sheet of paper and post it on a wall somewhere. Whatever makes you clever. I did not create these questions and won't take credit for them but they did make me stop and think. I was like "Woah!" and I realized I was not ready to walk into a relationship and if I got into one, it probably wouldn't have lasted long. 

1. Do I know who I am?
2. Do I know how to communicate?
3. Do I know what boundaries are and how to keep them?
4. Do I have a vision for my own life?
5. Do I have community in my life?
6. What does my walk with Jesus look like?
7. Am I teachable? Can I receive feedback?
8. Am I responsible and do I know how to take care of things?
9. Do I know how to serve?
10. Do I honor people?
11. Do I know how to forgive people and ask for forgiveness?

Answer these questions. Can you honestly answer them in the affirmative? Think about it. Until you can answer all of them you probably aren't ready for a relationship.

These questions are courtesy of Pastor Antoine Ashley from Deland Lighthouse Church.

I have always believed that you can't give another person something you don't have. If you try then you're lying to that person and yourself. We can't try and make people complete us. We need to be complete before we start a relationship. Your significant other should never complete you. They should complement you. And I stand by that wholeheartedly. Another thing is that you should never go into a relationship with less than 100% because it can lead to all kinds of issues. You become somebody's project. And it might hurt to ask yourself this but, are you a renovation? And the thing is, with people a new coat of paint won't do much. You have to be a full renovation. Demolition, asbestos removal, you name it. That is a project you need to undertake by yourself (with God) so that your significant other doesn't waste money, time and effort on a home that ain't worth nothing. And I'm sure none of you want to waste time either, right. So save yourself the hassle, the pain and the arguments by making sure you are whole before you try and find that person who can complement your life completely.

If you do decide to go into a relationship make sure it's a healthy one. 

Blessings,

Chy

Spiritual Gifts

Everyone Has Different Spiritual Gifts

Not everyone was meant to be a preacher or to sing in the choir. Not everyone was called to do everything. The Bible says this many times and yet we are always upset about the things we can't do and even know we aren't meant to do certain things, we still try to do them! That makes absolutely no sense, now does it?

Just like in the natural everyone has certain talents. Some people can do things better than others or are more comfortable doing certain things. I completely get when someone does not feel like they don't have spiritual gifts or when they do not know where they fit into the body of Christ I felt the same way at one point. And even though I still have a lot more to learn about where God wants me and where He is calling me to be I feel like after a while I started to understand what I was good at.

If you want to learn more about Spiritual gifts and figure out what yours may be click on this link and take the test: Spiritual Gifts or this one which can be printed and handed out at a service Spiritual Gift Explanation. And just in case you were thinking about it, in order for you to get a real handle on what your gifts are you can't lie on the test! And I encourage you to talk with someone, like a youth pastor or another Christian who is navigating the straight and narrow. Talk about gifts, read His Word on them and try and see where you fit in. It is completely understandable to want to have another's gift. It's in our natural nature. The thing is you have to quench that nature (and it is hard when you feel like you don't have a place in His kingdom). But once you figure out what your gifts are you can figure out how best to use them to glorify God....not yourself. That is key.

And if you don't fee like going to the site here is a cute pic to show you the 26 Spiritual Gifts.

Plus, There Are Different Ways to Use These Gifts

Everyone has different gifts, get it? Got it? Good! Now that we've established that we can talk about the different ways that people put their gifts to use for the glory of God and His kingdom.

You don't have to be good at everything, God is happy with us even though we have many, many, many faults. Those who have the gift of mercy, like myself, are good with things such as fellowship, missionary and other forms of outreach. Then there are those who have the gift of knowledge. God allows them to know things without them ever hearing about them before. You may have heard of a time where someone knew another's name or action without knowing that person at all, this is an example of it. In fact, in John 4, when Jesus is talking to the Samaritan woman He uses this gift to tell her about everything she ever did in regards to her marriage and her adultery.

Some people are called to pastor, some to be ushers but the positions which are so obvious aren't the only ones that matter. Every gift is important even if it is not always esteemed by man, We all know this verse but I'm just going to state it again but if you want to see if for yourself read 1 Corinthians 12.

1 Corinthians 12:18
But now hath God set the members every one of them in the body, as it has pleased him.

And like I said, every part of the body is important.

1 Corinthians 12:22-25
Nay, much more those members of the body, which seem more feeble, are necessary: (23) And those members of the body, which we think to be less honourable, upon these we bestow more abundant honour; and our uncomely parts have more abundant comeliness. (24) For our comely parts have no need: but God hath tempered the body together, having given more abundant honour to that part which lacked: (25) That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another.

Like I said, everyone is important and we should never let differences in spiritual gifts create a rift between His people and His body. So you can use your gift in a variety of ways. You can use it to be a teacher, you can use it to talk to strangers and share God's love without bashing them over the head with the Word. You can sing, dance or connect with others in any way that best suits you and the gift within you. Don't get me wrong, pastors, ministers, evangelists and the like are all wonderful and necessary people but you don't have to be one to be someone in God's eyes. If you feel like God is calling you to be a bus driver, go for it! Don't listen to other people or your own doubt when you begin to think that it isn't an important job. You can spread God's love to thousands over the years while you sit in that drivers' seat. Did you ever think about that? Serve God in the way you feel led and as long as you continue to keep your eyes focused on Him and don't fall by the wayside, God can do anything through you.

As you go about your daily routine remember that our gifts are meant to bring Him glory and to work together for the benefit of the body we all are a part of, the body of Christ.

Many Gifts, One Spirit!