Chasing Fool's Goals

Only Gives You Fool's Gold

I know I heard these words in a song. Don't ask me which one because I have no idea. However, it got me to thinking about what I had been making a priority in my life. And honestly my list of priorities has changed a lot. Even though we aren't supposed to talk about religion in class, one of my professors talks about his all the time and he made us write down the three most important things in our lives. I bet that those lists were different for every single person in that classroom. And I am quite sure that some people only put God, religion or faith as their number one because they felt obligated to. You all know by know what I think about obligation. Well anyway, I think that we all have been chasing a little bit of fool's gold. I go to a youth group and the pastor preached on making God our one goal. And that hit me but I will come back to that a little bit later. Fool's gold looks like the real thing and feel like the real thing but, in the end, is completely worthless. I have been chasing a few goals that I shouldn't and the strange this is that when I thought about it I never thought about these things until AFTER I gave my life back to God. So I have a little list for you:

1.) Recognition
2.) Acceptance
3.) Popularity

Those are my three fool's goals. Things that I really should not be focusing on whatsoever because they aren't going to help me do anything in the long run except maybe stress out a little. And I already have too much stress in my life (all thanks can go to college for that). We all have different goals and you don't have to be Christian to read this blog so your goals are probably a lot different from mine. My goal is to be Christ-like and I can't reach my main goal if I am paying more attention to these stupid little things that don't mean anything. Before, I could be completely ignored by everyone in existence and I wouldn't mind at all and now I get mad if I am not among the first a friend talks to when he or she walks into the room. I mean, what's with that? It makes absolutely no sense! I walk around saying that I want to be Christ-like but when did Jesus ever care how popular He was? He didn't and if He did I am quite sure that He either would have never gone to the cross or would have gotten down off of it because He's boss. He told people the truth about themselves even though He knew that they would hate Him for it. He was ostracized and hated by His own people and I am over here like "Does she think my twist out is on point today?". No. I rebuke that in the name of Jesus because I feel like anything that keeps your eyes off of your main goal is straight from the very pits of hell and I may be alone in that but I'm going to make my views known.



Don't get me wrong, everyone should have tons of goals. I do. I want to go to graduate school, get a job as an editor, get married, have a lot of kids and have a dog with an African name. But notice how these goals are completely different than that other list. Me going to grad school does not take away from my walk with my Father at all, it actually gives me an opportunity to share my walk with other people. Kind of like how I am sharing it with you. The great thing about this is though that I don't have to try and catch up with anybody else in my walk because it is my walk and I am different from any other believer. If I have get to the finish line in a rolling office chair, I'm still going to finish it and that doesn't make me lesser than those running like gazelles or more than those that have to crawl there. I have my goals. Make some of your own (if you don't have many) but don't let those smaller goals get in the way of the one thing you want to do with your life. I did and I am definitely battling with it and I want you to learn from my many, many mistakes.

And if you can find out what song it was that I mentioned at the beginning please let me know!

Fool's Gold by Andy Mineo

I Ain't Scared No Mo'

No Fear

How many times have I heard that? How many times has someone told me that there is no fear in God? And how many times have I felt the intense urge to roll my eyes? These are all good questions. See the thing about living a lifestyle with no fear is this: it's a lot easier to talk about than it is to do. And so when someone talks about it I just stare at them. I know I should but we all struggle with different things and fear was on both sides of my Struggle Bus.

And there are so many songs about it to, a few of which will be linked in BOLD down below, like every other post. And then there are tons of verses and I completely get that it is something that I need to do but as the meme above: the struggle was so very real. The only thing that I should be afraid of isn't a thing at all He is a Person, the Triune God. I should have a righteous fear of Him and be big, bad and bold facing anything else because He's got my back. Just look at Psalm 22, Psalm 27:1, Deuteronomy 31:6, and Isaiah 41:10-13. I have no right to be afraid, but that doesn't always help. Knowing something and doing it are two very different things.

However,

That changed and now, even though I still struggle with fear and doubt and all the things the enemy and the world want to use to keep me low down hurt, I struggle less and less. Maybe it is because I have a better circle of friends. People say that you should have a small circle of friends and I agree but it's not always about how big your circle is but who's in it. If yo struggle with procrastinating and blow off all your work, a fellow procrastinator probably shouldn't be in your circle or at least not in the inner rings because you'll slack off together and you'll hate yourself for it later on. Is it really worth it? Same with some of the more stressful and life-altering temptations like drugs, alcohol, porn. If you are trying to free yourself from these things, how can you when you surround yourself with people who thinks it's acceptable and won't let you get away from it? They'll claim you're acting brand new and this is exactly how you should respond: "I'm acting brand new because He made me brand new." My friend circle has never been large, I have a lot of acquaintances but it takes trust and a lot of it for me to call you my friend. The friends I have now are all on my same path, even if we are on different stages of the race and that has definitely helped me a lot.

Maybe it's because I pray more than I used to. I would always get distracted when I would try to pray or do anything that involved God, really and no lie, I still do sometimes. The difference is that now I catch myself and get back to praying. I pray too, not just before I go to sleep or a quick simple prayer before food. I pray because I want to talk to hear from God. And even though I don't do it as much as I wish I would, I like feeling that close connection with God.

Maybe it's because I finally realized that I'm not a mistake and that if I were to disappear there would be people who noticed. That's what I used to think. At least once or twice a month, but not anymore. I used to be so afraid that I was invisible and that no one cared that sometimes I went out of my way to disappear or out of my way to get noticed. I used to think that because I make mistakes a lot that the world would be a better place if I wasn't here. But, I couldn't just die because then my parents would have to pay for a coffin and whatnot and I would just be even more of a burden. I had a will and everything. I don't think like that anymore though because I know God doesn't make mistakes and that He has a plan for me even if I am completely confused about my life situation. I am not like Seymour, when I ask God what I'm here for He doesn't say He don't know. For that I am eternally grateful, literally.

Maybe it's because I've grown spiritually. I think  I have. I'm not perfect but I am working to make God proud, that's actually my new life goal. Before I do anything questionable I ask myself, "Will God be giving me side eye for doing this?" and you know the rest. I don't just want to know about God I want to know Him and those are two very different things. 

Or just maybe it's a combo of all of the above. Who knows? Not I, but that's life isn't it.

Back To The Point...

Fear.

I cannot lie and tell anybody that I am not afraid of anything because I am but the most important thing is that I own up to it and that I stand up and fight my fear. I fight those things that have held me back and refuse to let them win because that is how the world wins. One of the things I am afraid of is speaking, talking to anyone really. And that is one of the reasons I started this blog, to combat that fear and let people know my story. So from last year to now, I hope you can see growth. I fight my fears, even if it takes a while, how do you fight your fears?

As promised here are two of my favorite songs that talk about fear:

No Fear by Deraj

Fear by Lecrae

Missionary Dating

What is it?

Missionary dating (noun) when you waste your time dating someone because you think you can change them or they claim to want you in his/her life.

Have you ever done some missionary dating? I know I have. I thought that he would just be perfect if he did this and this and this. But truth be told, if he did all that he wouldn't be himself would he? He would be who I created and that's not fair to him or to myself because I'm wasting my time trying to change him plus wasting his time. You can't force someone to change and if he or she wants to change great, but don't expect anything. At first I thought it would be okay because all the changes I wanted him to make would be good for him. Getting a good job, getting a car, talking to his family and moving over past differences. Things that I thought would be good for him. The problem was that they were things that I wanted but they weren't really things he wanted. And sure he started changing but only because he wanted me to stay with him. I didn't notice it but I was holding it over his head like a threat and that's not cool at all.I went to this conference with my friend and it was funny because the speaker said that you should never date someone if you couldn't see yourself being with them for over twenty years exactly the way they were today. And you know what I thought when I heard that? I could NEVER date that person and I was playing with his emotions so the right thing to do would be to let him go. So I did.

The only problem was that he didn't want it to be over but that's another story for another time.



Have you ever done some missionary dating? Was it bad for you? Or have you ever wanted to change just to fit into someone else's plan? Thinking to yourself. "If I looked like this" of "If I do this one thing"? That doesn't work and it only ends up making you and the other person miserable in the end, so why do it? Because humans. Lol. But the great thing about it is that God is a great listener and he can give you everything you ever wanted. So while he is getting you ready for your future husband or wife instead of doing some missionary dating because you feel a little lonely, you can talk to him. He's always there and coming from a female, guys you are 100 times more attractive when you love God and have a good head on your shoulders. Even women who are not Christians are attracted to Christian men, not that I am recommending that for you, because of the glow of the Holy Spirit within and upon you. SO, my point here is that we should all stop missionary dating!

Family Ties

Just to warn you: This post was written while I was enjoying a pity party of one.

It's weird to think about but now that I can actually spend time with family I realize I'm  not  really close to  any of them. I  d?on't have that familial bond. Maybe it's  because it went away or maybe it was never there to begin with. No one can tell when I'm  joking or being sarcastic, no one can tell when I'm  hurting and want a hug. It's  like being surrounded by acquaintances that you wonder if they can actual stand you or not. Have you ever felt like that? Maybe I'm the only one. Maybe it's because  of the  fact that I  don't do the things my cousins do and I'm  too different.  Maybe  that's the  reason why nobody calls or texts or remembers my birthday.

I  remember that when I  was young  it was different. I was never close but I didn't feel the sting as bad either. I  just pretended and in my pretend world I was the one everyone wanted to be around. But now I'm  in the real world and there's no escaping into my own head, at least not for long anyway. There's so much about family love and care and I get that. I go to my family reunion every year and we always have at least 500 people and I know most of them. It's strange but I feel like I get along more with the family I'm not around all the time than the ones I grew up with. Ain't that a mess? But I get that. I always used to tell my friend who has an estranged baby daddy something pretty similar. Her children seem to love their dad more because it's hard to be a bad father when you're never around. It's hard for me to get a chance to dislike them when I only see them once or twice a year. Or do you think I'm just talking out the side of my neck with this one? I might be. Who knows?

Every family has those days where they can't stand each other and we all have that person we would rather not claim. And, at least in Black families, there is that cousin who go around calling everybody "kin folk" loud as all get out, but hey, what can you do? Family is family and even though families argue, fuss, fight and sometimes cut deep, they will always be family. No matter what. And the good thing about family is that families forgive even when you didn't think you could be forgiven and they stand with each other. My brother torments me, has since I was little but I know for a fact that my brother would never let another person hurt me. And so does the machete he keeps on hand. Haha, just kidding.....not really though. The same goes with the rest of my family, I hear stories about my aunt who liked to run her mouth when she was young but couldn't fight to save her life. Luckily, she had my other aunts and my mom who were always there to have her back. 

I guess that's the real reason I am a little upset. I know that my other cousins have this bond. I know that they would ride or die for each other, for my brother. But I feel like if I was sinking nobody would notice until I was at the bottom of the ocean (I do NOT float). So, instead of staying in this little pity party of mine, all by my own I just decided to do something about it. I have a cousin, in particular, that I want to grow close to so I am going to go old fashioned on all of y'all and write him a letter. Hopefully, he gets where I'm coming from. Wish me luck!

And if you are going through the same thing, reach out, it just might make your family your friends.

I wrote this in my last post but here's a link to the song Kamikaze by KB . It's just what I'm feeling right now. Hope you like it. Also here is Family Reunion by the O'Jays.